dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
