Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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