I'm going to jail i love you
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
