i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
