Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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