Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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