Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
