Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
