she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
