just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
