I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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