you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
