I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
