I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
