My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
