i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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