Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
