Little spoons don't ask big questions
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
