eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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