This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
