I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
