Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
