Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
