Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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