Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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