Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
