Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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