so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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