I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
then he tried to convert me to islam
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
