I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
