People in love make me want to vomit
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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