mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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