I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
