Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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