when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
