You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
