What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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