Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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