I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
