So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
