You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
