Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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