the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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