if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
