and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
