I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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