She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
