she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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