seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
