If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
