It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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