Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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