yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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